Most people are “policing,” not being assertive. Here’s how to tell the difference — and do better.
One thing they warn teenagers about when they’re learning to drive is that there’s always an excuse for a police officer to pull you over. Have something hanging from your rear-view mirror? Or a not-fully defrosted windshield? Or no hands on the steering wheel at a traffic light? You can get pulled over — and ticketed — for all of it.
Police usually don’t bother enforcing petty rules like that. They have bigger problems to deal with. They warn teenagers about these pulling-over possibilities because there’s another big rule they could be breaking: driving in the car with someone underage while on a provisional license (which comes with a hefty fine). Even if you don’t think you’re breaking any rules, the warning goes, you are if they decide you are.
So many of you — in the name of being assertive — are like police officers jumping at excuses to pull over teenagers in traffic. What you’re enforcing is not actually necessary. You’re looking for an excuse to feel powerful. You’re “policing,” not being assertive.
What is “policing”?
Policing is when you make a fuss over an issue with someone that you would never make a fuss over if a scarier person were to do the same thing. Not even because you’d be too scared to do so, but because you automatically view it as being “no big deal” when the scarier person does it. Policing is looking for an excuse to pick on someone more than it is working out a problem that needs to be resolved. And it always happens to the Easy Targets of the world — the nicest ones who never cause problems.
I’ll admit it: I’ve felt like an Easy Target plenty of times. It’s very easy to look for an excuse to pick on someone. But most people don’t realize that that’s what they’re doing when they think they’re being assertive.
Maybe these situations sound familiar to you:
- A TSA agent once told me to “move faster” when I was putting my stuff on the conveyor belt at the airport. There were two people ahead of me, who hadn’t reached the body scanner yet, moving just as slowly as I was.
- My boss once told me off for eating at my desk — something everyone in the office does on a regular basis.
- A girl I know was told off for being on Facebook in the middle of a professor’s lecture in a hall of 100 people, where many other students were doing the same thing.
- Another girl I know was told off for using the bathroom in the middle of a college class. A guy who had done the exact same thing only moments later was not told off.
- A college professor of mine once told off one of my fellow students for not having enough money on her printing account to print something off for class right then and there. (“You should always have a little on there!”)
These were all “policing” situations, not actual assertiveness.
If it sounds like it might be annoying to be used as an Easy Target all the time, it is. And if you recognize yourself in the above situations, you’re not alone. I have seen this happen to so many people, always the least-deserving ones.
Some of you might feel like it’s your fault if you’re an Easy Target — like it’s a sign you’re not tough enough to stand up for yourself — but hold off on the self-blame for a moment. It’s hard to stand up for yourself in these situations. When you do, you look like you’re “being difficult,” and therefore reinforcing the other person’s belief that their criticism of you is deserved. People don’t stand up for themselves not because they’re cowards, but because they know they need to play a delicate game of being agreeable in order to look good to the person confronting them and others around them.
Instead of blaming the victims, I’d like to call out the policers. They need to understand that what they’re doing is not genuine assertiveness. They’re not being brave. They’re picking on the little guy. They’re making a fuss over something that is actually not that big a deal.
Why it happens
When people try to be assertive, they’re looking for situations where they know they’ll be successful. Losing damages our ego, especially in a sensitive situation, like asserting boundaries, where our pride is on the line. So people seek out opportunities where they’re more likely to win. But in so many of these situations, they’re not really resolving problems as much as they’re creating problems that aren’t there.
Trust me: when you’re an Easy Target, you can’t get away with anything. If anything you’re doing could possibly be interpreted as “breaking the rules,” anyone within a ten-foot radius will choose to interpret it that way. I’ve had a stranger pick on me for leaving my stuff on a restaurant table when I went off to use the bathroom. When I worked at a summer camp, I saw a camp counselor fuss at a kid for “interrupting” a conversation between him and another counselor when she was asking a question in a quiet moment between them. (The kid was one of the best-behaved kids at the camp.)
In theory, assertiveness should be simple: when you’re irritated or frustrated about something, you should speak up. But it’s not that simple. People can be surprisingly inconsistent about what they choose to interpret as “frustrating.” They’re more likely to decide they’re “frustrated” when a less-threatening person is doing the thing than they are if a scarier person is doing the thing. Because they know they’re more likely to succeed against the weaker party. Again: policing is about feeding our ego.
Sometimes people are legitimately frustrated over a situation and think they’re “asserting themselves,” but what they’re really doing is venting all their frustrations onto an Easy Target. In college, when I was a reporter for the university’s newspaper, I had an editor scream in my face over something everyone had been doing (not contacting photographers before story assignments). It would have been better for him to have a meeting with everyone involved, and firmly and clearly tell them to contact photographers before story assignments, or else face consequences.
When people are not Easy Targets, they seem to get away with whatever they want. It’s not even because people are too scared to confront them. Somehow, almost everything they’re doing is seen as “no big deal” or even perfectly justified.
And it’s so, so not fair.
Signs of policing
So, how can we be fair? Because it is sometimes necessary to confront people about issues. How can we make sure we’re confronting the people who deserve it?
I have spent a lot of time observing dynamics in policing situations. Instead of focusing on a case-by-case basis of what’s a big deal and what’s not, and what you should confront or not, I’ve found there are general trends to be aware of that point towards policing.
If….
· Your confrontations involve strangers
· You make a fuss over problems that don’t directly impact you
· You single someone out when everyone breaks the same “rule”
· The people you confront tend to be the very nicest types
· You’re rarely, if ever, nervous for confrontations
. . . you’re policing, not being assertive
Policing involves taking advantage of imbalances of power. While there are times when it might be justified to confront a weaker party, if that’s a general trend in your confrontations, you need to rethink what you’re doing. Because if you’re consistently confronting people in situations where an imbalance of power is present, it’s likely what you’re seeking is the power itself, not the resolution of a problem.
Take confronting strangers, for instance. When you confront a stranger, you’re taking advantage of the fact that you don’t have a relationship with the person, and therefore have nothing to lose if you confront them. Going through a quick mental catalog of all the times I have either experienced or witnessed policing, a majority of the encounters involve strangers. There was the stranger who honked at me when I was (quickly) crossing the street on a flashing walk sign light. The stranger who snapped at my mom for almost hitting her car when she opened her door. (Trust me, she wasn’t even close.) The stranger who fussed at me for walking off a bus too quickly. (Didn’t come close to bumping into him either.) The list goes on. Asserting your dominance — not improving a relationship — is usually the goal there. Confronting strangers is often a sign you’re policing.
Same with making a fuss over matters not impacting you. Before having a confrontation with someone, always ask yourself, “Is this something directly affecting me? Is this negatively impacting my life in any way?” Sometimes, when people are self-righteously enforcing a rule, what they’re really doing is not minding their own business. Making a fuss over matters not affecting you is a sign you’re seeking out problems more than fixing existing problems.
Pay attention to the types of people you’re having confrontations with, too. If it’s always the sweetest, nicest people, the best-behaved ones who never cause problems, then that’s a sure sign you’re policing.
And this last one is probably the most important: Being nervous. While you won’t always be nervous when having a necessary confrontation with someone, almost all “policing” situations involve the absence of nerves. Never being nervous for confrontations is not a good sign — it’s not a sign you’re growing, but a sign you’re picking on the people who don’t deserve it. Being nervous is a sign you’re stretching your comfort zone and picking on someone your own size. I’ve noticed even the most assertive people are sometimes nervous when having necessary confrontations with others.
Signs you’re doing it right
· Be fair and consistent about the types of boundaries you enforce, and enforce them with different types of people
· Focus on things that directly impact you
· Use “I” statements in conflicts
· Have confrontations that make you nervous
If you decide something is a big deal with one person and confront them about it, and then a different person does the same thing later on, and you see it as “no big deal” when they do it, then you need to rethink that boundary, and if it’s assertiveness or “policing” you’re really practicing.
I’ve learned from this mistake before. I worked as a host at a restaurant where the rule was guests had to wait to be seated, but many of them would just seat themselves. I tried to confront each of them about it, and politely remind them that they had to wait to be seated. However, one day, a big, scary guy sat down without asking and I decided that what he was doing was “no big deal.” That was a big sign I was policing. I changed course from that day on, and decided it wasn’t a big deal for guests to seat themselves.
Finally, it’s worth reiterating: When I’m setting a necessary boundary with someone, and when others are setting a necessary boundary with me, I’ve found they’re often nervous about the confrontation. Now, it’s true that being nervous can be a sign you’re up against a more powerful force, and therefore more likely to lose — which no one likes doing. We need success because it spurs us on. Failure — especially repeat failure — can be very demotivating. Some people might say that while it’s not fair to pick on Easy Targets, unfortunately, that’s how it works. That’s how confidence is built.
It’s a fair point, but I say nerves aren’t always a sign you’re about to do something very risky (and not a good idea). They can just be a sign you’re stretching your comfort zone. I’ve gotten nervous when asking my boss to reconsider my schedule, because I felt like I was being burdened with an unfair amount of work. Another time, one of my coworkers got nervous when pointing out to me I had done something a bit thoughtless that had made her workload greater.
In the first example, I did end up losing the confrontation, because my boss turned down my request for a lighter load. However, I walked away from the confrontation feeling like I had at least made my position known, which I chalked up as a small success. In the second example, I welcomed my coworker’s fair critique and decided to do better next time. I didn’t feel like she was trying to dominate me, and her valid point resulted in an improved relationship.
Being nervous is a sign you’re picking on someone your own size and challenging an existing power structure. When you’re not nervous, you’re reinforcing a dynamic that already exists. The world doesn’t benefit from reinforcing existing power structures. We need people to challenge the status quo. It can be tempting to seek out confrontations where we will be successful. But if those confrontations are just “policing,” you’re not being brave — just the opposite. Practicing genuine assertiveness is good for you and everyone around you.
Finally, some reflection questions:
-When’s a time you felt like you were being policed about something? Or saw someone else get policed over something? Like someone was looking for an excuse to pick on you or them?
-When’s a time you had to confront someone about an issue and you were nervous about the confrontation?