To be more assertive, be more powerful

If you want to be more assertive, you have to be more powerful.

Think of assertive communication and power dynamics as two sides to the same assertiveness coin. The two reinforce each other.

Power dynamics — and having fairly balanced ones — are key to making relationships work. If there is an imbalance of power in relationships, communication is not as effective, and one party is often oppressed by the other.

So what does a powerful person do? What are some specific examples? Here are a few.

1. You like to get what you want. — You value your needs and wants and are aggressive about getting them met. You advocate a lot for what you want and need.

2. You know you’re important. — You have an underlying belief in the fact that you matter. When you believe that you matter, it means your wants, needs, opinions, and feelings matter too.

3. You talk a lot. — You take up space by talking about yourself, your ideas, your interests, your hobbies, and stories from your life. You speak your mind. You believe others are interested in hearing what you have to say.

4. You like being the center of attention. — You command attention. You like having everyone’s eyes on you. You have a strong sense of self-confidence.

5. You’re the leader. — In social situations, you’re often the one getting everyone involved in an activity. You don’t ask for advice, as much as you’re often the one giving it. This, in my opinion, is the most important aspect of being a more powerful person, and the hardest one to attain for people who are not yet powerful.

Conversely, people who are not as powerful do the opposite of these things. They see wanting things as selfish. They think their needs are inconvenient to others. They’re more reserved and let others take up space. They don’t like being the center of attention as much as being a wallflower. And they’re not leaders as much as they are followers. They wait for direction and being told what to do.

You might be thinking to yourself, “Well, that’s all well and good for you to talk about power dynamics, but if I just started speaking my mind tomorrow, I know with 100% certainty I wouldn’t get away with it. I would get either ignored or made fun of.” Meanwhile, your coworker Bob, who always speaks his mind, and expresses the stupidest opinions, would say something and twenty people would fall over themselves trying to compliment him.

Becoming more powerful isn’t easy for people who have been less powerful all their lives. Some combination of environment and genetics can make someone more of a wallflower or more of a leader, so what can you do? Attaining power definitely doesn’t happen overnight. The only helpful advice I can give you is to put yourself in an environment that is most conducive to attaining more power. Change the system. Express your opinions and get your needs met in a way that is most likely to be successful.